Like so many of my connections with amazing women engineers outside my company, I met Mary Zeis through the Society of Women Engineers. It was a couple of years ago at a quarterly meetup hosted by SWE’s Late Career and Retiree Affinity Group. Mary proposed a session for WE23 about getting ready for early retirement, and I, along with Ceal Craig and Mary Isaac, joined Mary in presenting that panel discussion at both WE23 and WE24.
Through that experience, I learned that Mary’s retirement included another new chapter, that of caring for our elders (in this case, her father). In the spirit of SWE’s WE25 theme, “Embrace Your Story,” I sat down with Mary recently to learn about this more-common-than-you-think journey.
In addition, March is Women’s History Month in the U.S. and the month that SWE shines a spotlight on the Late Career and Retiree Affinity Group, a community of trailblazing women who continue to inspire the next generations and each other with their wisdom-in-action at local, national, and global stages. Mary and I are proud members of this community and are here to celebrate the vital roles and contributions of women and women engineers in American history.
Let’s meet Ms. Mary Zeis, SWE Fellow, former associate director of R&D at Procter & Gamble in Cincinnati, and former chair of SWE’s Outreach Committee and SWENext Programs Committee.
What changes to your personal life were needed when you realized or decided you wanted to be a caregiver to your dad? Your spouse needed to be on board, too. What conflicts, if any, did you have to resolve to make the decision happen?
A quick background — my dad had been living alone since my mom had moved to a nursing home in 2004. He visited her almost every day, knew all the nurses and nurses aides, and became a part of that nursing home community. When my mom died in 2008, my husband (Chuck Bleil) and I started discussing moving back to Pittsburgh so that my dad could move in with us.
Chuck had the right years of service and age to officially retire (he also worked for Procter & Gamble). He retired in the spring of 2008. He took on the task of finding a house in Pittsburgh that the three of us could all age into. There weren’t any houses that met all our needs, so we decided to build one instead. To better understand the features of a house that would accommodate the future needs of a walker and/or wheelchair, we met with a work colleague whose wife was in a wheelchair. He invited us to his house to show us some of the features that we then incorporated into our house design — first floor living, a ramp from the garage to house, wider doorways, roll-in shower, lever handles on doors and plumbing, comfort height toilets, grab bars, handheld shower head, etc.
Meanwhile, I was fortunate to receive an early retirement package in 2009 and retired in late summer. Our Pittsburgh house was finished in November 2009 when we all moved in.
In the beginning, having my dad live with us was like having a roommate. He was completely independent, went out every day to volunteer at the nursing home where my Mom had been, and also went with friends to an off-track betting parlor to bet on horse racing. Unfortunately, a month after moving in with us, my dad fell and hit his head, had a subdural hematoma that had to be operated on, and ended up in a coma for three weeks. Everything changed after that. I knew that we would be providing elder care to him eventually. I thought we would have several years until we reached that point, not just several weeks.
You were embarking on retirement at the same time — a significant transition on its own — along with a return to a city that hadn’t been your home for decades. Tell us more about managing these new chapters simultaneously.
We were told by other retirees to give yourself at least 6 months to adjust to retirement. I didn’t really have that chance, as most of that time was spent caring for my dad through inpatient rehab, outpatient rehab, doctor visits, etc. Fortunately, my dad bounced back almost to where he was before, except he could no longer drive. So we became chauffeurs, driving him to the nursing home a couple days a week to volunteer and to the off-track betting parlor nearly every day to see his friends.
One of the things that really helped me transition back to Pittsburgh was SWE. Three months after moving back to Pittsburgh, I volunteered for the SWE activity table at the local Science Center for their Engineers Week event. I met several SWE members who welcomed me and encouraged me to volunteer more. I then joined the committee which was planning a “Wow! That’s Engineering!” event for later that fall. That fueled my passion for STEM outreach which continues today.
I was fortunate to have a very supportive husband who encouraged me to volunteer, and he took care of my dad when I was away. I also encouraged my husband to follow his passion and take watercolor art classes. We make a great team!
What were some unexpected challenges during the 10 years being a caregiver?
The hardest times were when Dad was sick and in the hospital. Over the 10 years, he had a couple of small strokes, fainted due to low heart rate and needed a pacemaker, etc. Any trip to the emergency room ended up with at least an overnight at the hospital. Due to his age, they always wanted to hold him for observation. And if it was more than three or four days in the hospital, he then went to an inpatient rehab facility for a week or two to get his strength back. I hated seeing him sick!
One thing I want to encourage others who are dealing with any loved ones in the hospital is to tell the doctors and physician assistants that you are an engineer! It explained why I was asking for more detailed information like, “What different actions will you take based on the test result, if it turns out one way vs. the other?” And I think it elevated the discourse, as the doctors saw me as a professional and not just a worried daughter. I got more technical information that helped me understand the problem and likely outcomes.
Another challenge was when my dad experienced urinary incontinence. It happened completely unexpectedly after a hospital and inpatient rehab stay. I couldn’t understand why, but the rehab nurse said that she had seen it come on suddenly in older male patients. Thank goodness for the engineers who create products like Depends so that people can maintain their dignity and keep an active life. (Please don’t call them diapers! They are disposable underwear.)
The final challenge was when Dad’s dementia got worse. He would be up in the middle of the night, walking around, saying strange things. You couldn’t reason with him when he was like this. The book, The 36-Hour Day: A Family Guide to Caring for People Who Have Alzheimer Disease, Other Dementias, and Memory Loss was really helpful in understanding how to think about this challenge. Eventually, my oldest brother helped me see that it was time to get professional help and move Dad into a memory care facility. In a lucid moment, my dad agreed, as he already knew a lot of people at the nursing home because he volunteered there. I felt so guilty at the time, and I cried for two days straight after admitting him. But it was the right thing to do for my dad, my husband, and me. He died eight months later, just three weeks shy of his 90th birthday.
What were some pleasant surprises and joys?
I lived in Cincinnati for 31 years and would only see my dad three or four times a year. I’d call often, but after answering the phone and saying “Hello,” he’d say, “Here’s your mother,” and turn over the phone to her. So it was a joy to get to know him again, adult to adult, when he lived with us.
Dad was gregarious, outgoing, a social butterfly! People loved him and he loved them. Even though he was poor (living on a small pension and social security), he was quite generous, slipping money to the nurses’ aides at the nursing home when he volunteered there, buying candy at the Dollar Store for everyone, and always buying raffle tickets when anyone asked him to. He even paid for 10 nursing home patients and 10 “wheelchair pushers” to attend a Pirates baseball game two years in a row!
He loved his nine grandchildren and was so proud of them. Whenever any of them had a special event (like graduating or getting married), I would print out a PowerPoint slide of pictures so that he could show all his friends and brag about his grandkids.
Other than when the dementia got worse, my dad was an easygoing guy. He would eat anything we prepared for him, he was often in a good mood, and he would go with the flow. I loved my dad!
What are some things you might do or prepare differently?
I think I should have hired outside help sooner. The last couple of years, we could no longer leave him alone in the house, even for a short run to the store. So in the last year, we hired a company called Home Instead to come in three mornings a week to help him shower and get dressed and keep him company for the morning. My husband and I could actually get away and play nine holes of golf at a nearby course on some mornings. I should have hired them a year sooner to provide respite for my husband and me, but was worried about the cost. I shouldn’t have worried about the cost. It was money well-spent.
The other thing I wished I had done was to take some videos of my dad. He had a wonderful singing voice. Even as the dementia got worse, he could still remember the words to a lot of old time songs. It would have been nice to have videos to look back on. I also recommend taking lots of pictures of your elders with you, your siblings, their grandchildren, etc. That is something that I did do, and I love having and sharing those pictures.
Did you have to develop a support system with other caregivers as you navigated this journey?
I am so fortunate to have come from a big family! I have five brothers in Pittsburgh, and through the years, they all stepped up at one time or another to watch Dad, join me at his doctors’ appointments, take him to church on Sunday mornings, etc. My sister is in Florida, and she would come up for one or two weeks each year so that my husband and I could take vacations.
Even Dad’s grandchildren helped out. When my dad was in the rehab facility the first time, a grandson faithfully visited him during the physical therapy sessions and help him complete his exercises. A granddaughter (an industrial engineer!) would come to our house after work on Tuesdays and stay with my dad so that my husband and I could do volunteer work at the local library. Another granddaughter just got her pharmacy degree and helped me review my dad’s meds and find good supplemental health insurance when the company he retired from no longer offered retiree health insurance. All nine grandchildren helped in their own way.
Any other issues you had to work through?
When you hire home health care aides, it’s important to prepare your home for them, especially since you’ll be leaving them alone with your loved one. We installed cameras in my dad’s room, the foyer, and the living room. That way, we could review the footage to see if they were treating Dad well and also doing what we asked, such as walking him around the house every hour for exercise. We also removed anything of value from my dad’s room, such as money and his wallet. We hoped the aides would be honest, but we didn’t want to have the temptation there. And, we didn’t want my dad to give them money as he would likely do if they gave him a hard-luck story. We also put a lock on our den door, where all of our financial paperwork was.
What are some lessons learned and takeaways from your experience, Mary?
I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to retire early and to care for my father in my home. I know not everyone can do that. There were some sad times, to be sure, but many more happy times and memories.
I am so thankful that I have an awesome husband (married for 46 years!) who is a true partner in every sense of the word. He supported me every step of the way and took good care of my dad. My siblings are forever grateful to him, as am I.
And I’m thankful to SWE, for providing colleagueship and opportunities for volunteering that fit my schedule. In the decade with my dad, I was able to become the VP for STEM outreach for the Pittsburgh section, join SWE’s Outreach team, and become chair in FY16 and FY17.
On that note, I, too, am thankful to SWE for providing this space for women in STEM like us to tell our stories and inspire one another through all stages of life and career. Thank you, Mary, for uplifting us with your wisdom, your personal journey, and exemplifying SWE’s theme to “embrace your story.”
For our readers curious about SWE’s Affinity Groups, we have over 20 of these groups that are designed to bring together SWE members who share identities, interests, and goals. Check out affinitygroups.swe.org to find the full lists and discover the ones that are right for you!
To get involved with the Late Career and Retiree Affinity Group and see all of our upcoming events, plus find links to join our Facebook group, sign up for our newsletter, and learn more about our volunteer subgroups, you can visit lcrag.swe.org.
You can find additional resources for caregivers via the Family Caregiver Alliance.
