Allyship is a commitment to understand, empathize, and act in support of others to create a more inclusive world. This journey often starts where we least expect it — at home. My wife’s struggles with workplace bias and discrimination taught me vital lessons about fostering inclusivity, lessons that now shape my professional actions.
Recognizing the Problem
It started with subtle signs: my wife, an accomplished software engineer, would come home visibly upset and drained. Initially, these changes were hard to pinpoint, attributed to ordinary work stress. However, the emotional toll became undeniable when she shared her experiences of being undermined by a male colleague. Despite her expertise, her ideas were frequently dismissed without clear reasons or data. Admittedly, it took us some time to recognize the problem.
Active Listening Forms the Foundation
As a spouse, the first step in allyship is recognition — acknowledging the problem without dismissing or downplaying its severity is key. Our conversations involved active listening and providing a safe space where she could express her feelings and frustrations without judgment. Together, we were able to define the problem better and analyze it from multiple dimensions to ensure we were not overlooking any obvious gaps in our thought process.
Together, We Took Action
Understanding the problem was just the beginning. Together, we explored the appropriate channels through which she could address these issues. This included documenting events, seeking advice from mentors, and eventually discussing the matter with her VP and HR department. The company took swift action when she provided detailed evidence and decisive feedback. My role was to provide support and encouragement, affirming her right to a respectful and inclusive workplace.
Emotional Support Strengthens Resolve
Emotional support was key, helping her to recognize what she already knew deep down: her professional capabilities and self-worth were intact despite the challenging experiences. By validating her feelings and boosting her confidence, this support was crucial in helping her see that such gaslighting — common in many environments — leads to suffering in silence.
Reflecting Changes in Professional Conduct
This personal experience has been profoundly instructive in my professional life as well. As a leader in tech who oversees diverse teams, I became more attuned to the dynamics of bias and discrimination and the subtle ways they manifest in the workplace. It has sharpened my ability to detect when someone is being overlooked or undervalued and has reinforced the importance of proactive measures.
Proactive Measures Enhance Culture
In response, I have taken several steps to foster an inclusive culture across the teams I work with:
- What Is Your Happiness Score? Engaging with team members individually to gauge their happiness score, which helps identify subtle shifts in what is effective and what needs improvement in the professional environment.
- Lead by Example: Proactively participating in regular training sessions on diversity, equity, inclusion, and belonging to educate and sensitize the team on these crucial issues.
- Open Communication Channels: Establishing open lines of communication where team members can report issues without fear of reprisal.
- Inclusive Meetings: Ensuring that all voices are heard in meetings, actively inviting contributions from those who tend to be quieter or who may be routinely interrupted.
The Ripple Effect of Allyship
The lessons we learn in personal allyship are potent. They inform our perceptions and actions beyond the home, guiding us in becoming better allies in all spheres of life.
For anyone looking to support a partner or family member facing bias or discrimination, remember — your role as an ally could be the catalyst for broader change, promoting inclusivity and understanding in larger communities and workplaces. Finally, I am committed to instilling these values in my two sons, who are seven and three years old.
